The Adventures of Jerry Bruckheimer&Spokes the Dog
by David S
Summary: Chapter 4 is now up! And Chapter 3, but I forgot to say that. Anyway, after meeting Xenu, the fantastic foursome go back to 1995 to kill the President of TIME Magazine.
1. Difficult Easy Bake Oven

****

THE ADVENTURES OF JERRY BRUCKHEIMER AND SPOKES THE DOG

By David Solomon

CHAPTER 1: DIFFICULT EASY BAKE OVEN

"We need a good idea, Marvyl" Producer Jerry Bruckheimer pointed out.

"I need to have a real job," Again Diagnoser Marvyl Von Kalamazooson added.

"Titanic made a lot of money. Why don't I just get Randal Wallace to rip that off?"

"But James Cameron would purchase your small intestine and choke you to death!"

"Bah! I'll just have him change the setting from the Titanic to Pearl Harbor."

"But that makes no sense!"

"Does it, Marvyl? Does it? Ask yourself that next time you organize a party in your bathroom. By the way, I think I left my portable Easy Bake Oven in your toilet. You didn't happen to flush the toilet again since last year?"

"What toilet?"  
"Uh oh." Jerry had inadvertently left his Easy Bake Oven in the clutches of Spokes, Marvyl's dog.

"You realize he won't give it back to you unless you win a game of Death Basketball against him?"  
"I guess I have no choice," Jerry reflected.

For the uninformed, Death Basketball is like regular Basketball, except you play with someone's severed head.

At Josh Harnett's house on Jupiter…

"Hello, Josh?" Jerry asked, knocking on his door.

A green alien wearing a thong and a t-shirt answered the door.

"Josh? Are you okay?"

"I've been waiting for you, you goddamn son of a bitch." He shoved a pistol into Jerry's head. "Get in."  
"What is it?" Jerry was rather confused.

"You know damn well what it is!" Josh pulled a sock out of his drawer that had morphed into a pigeon. "All of my socks are like this! And I know you did this to me just because your jealous of me!"

"Jealous? Why would I be jealous?"

"Because I have this!" Josh pulled out a carrot.

Jerry sighed. "Josh, I have many carrots at home. I don't need yours."  
"Are you kidding? This carrot can read the minds of others!" He spun it around, and threw it at the wall. But before he hit the wall, Josh screamed really quickly, "what'sjerrythinkingofrightnow?" And the carrot hit the wall, and landed in a trash can.

Jerry sighed. Josh began crying. "Life hasn't been the same since the planets have come out of alignment! I've been noticing strange freaks appearing on my front door, asking for maroon rocks!"

"Josh, it's okay," Jerry began. "You just need to stop acting like a psychotic freak. And…" With a wave of his giant cleaver, Jerry chopped off the head of Josh Harnett, the resident alien of Jupiter. He took his head back to Earth, where Spokes was waiting impatiently on a basketball court.

"I can see you've been taking steroids," Spokes commented.

"What are you talking about?" Jerry asked. "I've never taken steroids before!"

"Whatever. Do you have a head?"  
"Spokes, I present to you, Josh Harnett!" Jerry pulled the severed head of Josh out of a bag he was holding. "Have you got the liquid rubber?"

"Do I?" Spokes ran off for a second, and came back pushing a giant tub of liquid rubber the size of a small cottage.

"Isn't that a bit much?" Jerry asked. "We only need to rub a little over the face."

"Not the way I play!" Spokes climbed to the top and opened the cap. "Give me the head!"

Jerry threw the head up to Spokes, who promptly attached the head to a fishing reel, and dunked the head in. About an hour later…

"Spokes, is this going to take much longer?" Jerry asked.

"Almost…there!" Spokes yanked the head out of the giant container of liquid rubber. "Here, catch!" Spokes threw the head at Jerry. Jerry missed the catch, however, and the head proceeded to bounce up into the atmosphere.

"I think you overdid it a little with the liquid rubber," Jerry replied.

"It'll come back down," Spokes pointed out. So they waited. And waited. And waited. After about 2 or 3 hours, the head came down, only it was on fire.

"Oh, God. RUN!!" The flaming head of Josh Harnett came down with a BANG, demolishing the entire basketball court. Fortunately, Spokes and Jerry were already out of the way enough so that they were only knocked against a wall by the explosion.

"Sweet Jesus!" Spokes shouted. "What have we done?"  
"WE done?" Jerry asked. "You're the one that let the head absorb half a ton of liquid rubber!" They would have continued to argue, but they both noticed the flaming head bouncing back up into the atmosphere.

"Oh my God." They both looked up. "Say, Spokes, can you just give me my Easy Bake Oven? I don't think this is going to work."

"Absolutely! Not! Actually, I would give it back to you, but I think it's broken."  
"What makes you think that?"

"I broke it."

"Jeez…" Jerry sighed. "Wait a minute, you're a dog! How can you talk?"  
"Woof woof?"

"Okay, that's NOT FUNNY! I am not schizophrenic! DO NOT TRY AND TRICK ME!!!!!"  
"Calm down, Jerry. Man, you are tense!"

"Maybe that's because the basketball court just got blown up by a FLAMING HEAD DOUSED IN LIQUID RUBBER!!"

"What the hell happened?" Screamed one of several punks prepared to play basketball on the court that was now blown up.

"Well, you see it's a funny thing…" Jerry and Spokes ran off to the office.

"You WHAT?" Marvyl asked.

"It was all his fault!" Jerry pointed to Spokes. "You're only supposed to rub a little liquid rubber over the head! But noooooooooooooo. Spokes insisted that he knew what he was doing."

"Well, it worked fine with human heads! But Jerry had to get an alien head!"  
"Shut up, the both of you!" Marvyl stood up and walked towards the window. "It just disappoints me that a famous Hollywood producer and a dog could cause so much-"

All of a sudden, the flaming head of Josh Harnett came down right next to the skyscraper they were in, caused a small but important explosion, and bounced back up. The building began to shake, and then slowly tipped over, causing Marvyl to almost fall out the window. Jerry ran to grab him, but he was too late. Marvyl lost his grasp, but he was hovering.

"How are you doing that?" Jerry asked.

"I can't die right now!" Marvyl replied. "If I do, it'll remind people of September 11th, and we could never do that!"

"But by saying that, you already reminded people of it, Marvyl."  
"Damn! Oh, well, screw it." Marvyl fell to the ground, but before he could die from his fall, a bird quickly flew by and pooped on him to death. So the cause of death was the bird.

"This looks like the end, Spokes!"

"It is the end, Jerry! Of this chapter!"

"What?"

"You see, the author figured it was about time to start using that whole chapter system, so that he could say stuff like 'Chapter 4 is up!' and get comments like 'write more!'"

"So what happens to us?"

"Find out in the next chapter of the saga…"  
**THE ADVENTURES OF JERRY BRUCKHEIMER AND SPOKES THE DOG!!**


	2. Long Cool Soccer Ball in a Red Thong

CHAPTER 2: LONG COOL SOCCER BALL IN A RED THONG  
  
Jerry woke up with a very bad headache. And a lot of rubble on top of him.  
  
"Oh, no, the apocalypse!" Jerry discovered, upon standing up and seeing nothing but rubble and a sign saying "Deposit all trash in your Mom's ass, but give me the okrah flavored acid strips."  
  
"It's armageddon, you idiot," Spokes corrected, coming out of some rubble beside him. "Actually, there's no difference between the two, but if we call it armageddon, it's a reference to one of the hollywoodized films you produced."  
  
"So is everyone dead but us?" Jerry asked. "How did this happen?" Jerry suddenly noticed the burnt head of Josh Harnett lying beside him. He picked it up.  
  
"Nooooo! Why, Josh, why?"  
  
"Why what? I didn't do anything."  
  
"Agh!" Jerry dropped the now talking head of Josh Harnett.  
  
"You chopped off my head. Spokes doused me in liquid rubber and sent me careening into the atmosphere only to bounce down and blow up the entire world. I did nothing!"  
  
"Stop talking, Josh. You're a severed head. You're not supposed to be able to talk."  
  
"Why not? I'm an alien, remember? All my organs are in my head, anyway. Heart, lungs, liver, everything except my spleen and intestines. Which reminds me." Josh threw up urine and crap all over Jerry's shoes.  
  
"The hell is your problem?" Jerry kicked Josh's head several yards away.  
  
"Don't kick Josh just because he spewed feces over your shoes," Spokes requested. "After all, though his head may be chopped off, he's still a human being."  
  
"No he's not! He just said he was an alien!"  
  
"Speaking of which," Josh interrupted. "Where's my red thong?"  
  
"I would imagine it's still on Jupiter," Jerry replied. "Do you want to go get it?"  
  
"Yes, please!"  
  
"I don't see what good it would do you," Spokes pointed out. "Unless you wore it on your head."  
  
"Quiet, you!" Jerry requested. "You're not supposed to be able to talk, anyway! You're a dog! If the man wants to—well, he's an alien, but if he wants to get his thong, he'll get his thong!"  
  
Before Spokes could object, they all piled into the same spaceship Jerry had used in the previous chapter to get to Jupiter. Yes, the very one that had never been mentioned.  
  
At Josh Harnett's house on Jupiter…  
  
"Gosh, I can't wait to see the rest of my now decomposing body!" Josh anticipated eagerly with glee as Jerry opened the door. But there was someone already in the house…Ben Affleck!  
  
For those of you who are not acquainted with him, Ben is a fairly small creature who looks an awful lot like a soccer ball with hands, except instead of being black and white, he's orange and red. He has the ability to shoot orange juice and apple juice out of his different colored "pores," but his apple juice pores are on the fritz lately, because he's been consuming vast amounts of cocaine.  
  
"What are you doing here?" Jerry shouted.  
  
"I'm illegally residing here," replied Ben. "Long enough for me to get this!" Ben pulled out from under him a red thong.  
  
"Oh boy," Josh said, sweat emitting from his alien pores. "That's pretty bad."  
  
Jerry looked at Josh, then at Ben. "Is there something I'm missing?" Josh looked even more worried when Ben put the thong on, and proceeded to scream "Feel the wrath of THE THONG OF THE DAMNED!" Ben shot a fireball at Jerry, which he barely dodged, but it hit a curtain, catching the curtain on fire.  
  
"The red thong must have magical powers!" Spokes pointed out. "And to think, all this time I thought Josh was just some psychotic alien transvestite!"  
  
"And now, to add fuel to the fire…" Ben fired huge blobs of orange juice at the fire, making it grow to engulf the entire house.  
  
"Wait a minute, since when was Orange Juice flammable?" Spokes asked.  
  
"Not now, Spokes!" Jerry responded. "Haha, Ben, you may have screwed us, but you have screwed yourself in the process! How will you get out?"  
  
"Simple! Forcefield!" A forcefield surrounded Ben as he rolled to the door, apparently not affected by the flames. "See you in hell!" He exited the house. Meanwhile, parts of the ceiling were coming down on everyone.  
  
"This is not good," Jerry pointed out.  
  
"No kidding, this isn't even a first for me," Josh added.  
  
"Wait a minute," Spokes suddenly started thinking, mouthing complicated calculations in his head. "kidding…even…a…I've got it!"  
  
"Got what? You're just saying random words from the sentence Josh just said!"  
  
But Spokes was already running to Josh's refrigerator. "There's a famous joke, one few have heard. What did the penguin say when he jumped off the roof?"  
  
"Uh, goodbye cruel world?" Jerry asked.  
  
"What? No! He said…ORANGE JUICE!"  
  
Jerry and Josh stared blankly at Spokes.  
  
"Jesus, are you people that stupid?" Spokes pulled a penguin out of the refrigerator. "What happens when a penguin says orange juice?"  
  
"Penguins can't talk, Spokes," Josh pointed out. "And anyways, you're not using that penguin to put out the fire! He's my dinner!"  
  
"He'll be fine, but there's no way you're eating him!" Spokes proceeded to place the penguin on top of the refrigerator. "You guys really don't know what I'm talking about? Oh, well. Okay, Penguin, jump!"  
  
The Penguin jumped off the refrigerator, but as he jumped off he said, in a voice much like Gilbert Godfrey's, "Orange Juice!"  
  
And all of a sudden all the orange juice fueling the fire around flew up into the air and into the penguin's mouth. Without the orange juice, the fire dissipated.  
  
"Now that's some damn quality orange juice!" the Penguin stated, licking his beak.  
  
"We're saved!" Jerry happily pranced around the house until parts of the ceiling continued to collapse.  
  
"Maybe we should get out of here," Josh pointed out.  
  
"Good idea," Spokes added.  
  
And so they exited the house, moments before it collapsed in a heap of rubble.  
  
"So what's your name?" Spokes asked the penguin.  
  
"Baldwin. Alec Baldwin."  
  
"Well, it's great and all that we're alive," Jerry pointed out. "But what now? The whole world has been destroyed. And what's so important about that red thong, anyway?"  
  
"You mean you don't know?" Josh asked. "In 5,000,000 B.C., the world was run by the evil Caveman Bebagabotsisticationalismazexq. He ruled the world because he had magical powers that far outdid the crappy clubs that everyone else used to fight. His wife, known as Tina, who had no magical powers but very large breasts, asked for a magical item that would give her more power than her husband. Bebagabotsisticational-ismazexq, who could not yield to her large breasts, produced a red thong, capable of yielding powers greater than his. She placed this thong on, and was instantly more powerful than her husband, so she killed him. With this thong on, she could do virtually anything, including live forever. Some say she's still around today."  
  
"And all this time, you were wearing this thong?" Jerry asked. "I would have thought you could stop me from chopping off your head."  
  
"Well Jesus, I didn't actually believe this story. I mean, I found the damn thing in a thrift store for 30 cents. Why should I believe it has magical powers? I only realized it did when Ben used it to start the fire."  
  
"So we have to stop Ben before he takes over the world," Jerry stated. "But where would he go? There's nothing left of the world."  
  
"That is where I'm afraid you're wrong, Mr. Bruckheimer. There is a city underwater, that was most likely untouched by my flaming head. It is called…"  
  
"Atlantis?" Spokes asked.  
  
"What? Hell no! It's called Teegeeack."  
  
"Wait a minute…that's what Earth was called 75 million years ago, when Xenu ruled over it!"  
  
"That's the thing, Jerry…the whole colony consists of Scientologists, except for about ten people, who live in the 'raw meat' sector."  
  
"Wait a minute! Xenu, raw meat, what are you guys talking about?"  
  
"Oh, Spokes, you have a lot to learn." Josh cleared his throat, or what was left of it. "First off, raw meat are what Scientologists call non- Scientologists. As for Xenu, well, 75 million years ago…" 


	3. Xenu to the rescue

CHAPTER 3: XENU TO THE RESCUE  
  
Jerry, Spokes, Josh, and Alec were now taking the ship underwater to Teegeeack.  
  
"75 million years ago, a galactic emperor by the name of Xenu ruled over Earth (back then, known as Teegeeack) and all the other planets in our galaxy. However, he had a problem. Each planet had over 100 billion people on it. To solve this overpopulation problem, he used psychiatrists to drug up everyone, then he lowered them all into volcanos and blew them up with hydrogen bombs. He was captured, however, and sent to a futuristic prison in the mountains."  
  
"THAT'S what's Scientologists believe in?" Spokes asked. "That's the biggest load of crap I've ever heard!"  
  
"No, it's true! [www.xenu.net]" Josh pointed out. "In fact, with the help of some loyal Scientologists, Xenu broke out of the prison, and is now in charge of Teegeeack underwater!"  
  
"Wait-this guy killed hundreds of billions of people, right?" Alec asked. "And we're going to him for help?"  
  
"Well, he is all knowing and all seeing," Josh added. "He could tell us how to stop Ben from taking over the world."  
  
"But there's nothing left of the world!" Jerry corrected. "Your flaming head destroyed everything!"  
  
"And who's fault is that?" Josh asked.  
  
"Spokes! Because he put so much damn liquid rubber on you!"  
  
"Hey, you were the one that cut off his head!"  
  
"SILENCE!" Alec screamed. "We're almost there!"  
  
And they were. In fact, they had almost docked and exited the ship before several Scientologists grabbed them and cuffed them.  
  
"Wait!" Jerry screamed. "We come in peace!"  
  
"Yeah, right, that's what they all say," One Scientologist said. "What drugs ya carrying, huh?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"I'll bet they've got barrels of prozac!" Another Scientologist said. "Violence inducing, mankind destroying, PROZAC!"  
  
"None of us have prozac!" Josh screamed. "We just came here to see Xenu!"  
  
"Oh, you will. Believe me, you will."  
  
And they did. They came up to Xenu, dressed much like a character from those really bad 1970s sci-fi movies.  
  
"Master Xenu." All the Scientologists bowed down to him. "Bow for master Xenu, raw meat!"  
  
"I can't," Josh said. "I'm just a severed head."  
  
"What brings you to Teegeeack, raw meat?" Xenu asked.  
  
"Well, we-"  
  
"SILENCE!!"  
  
"You asked a question, I was just trying to answer it…"  
  
"I don't want to hear it! If I am going to help you, first I must see if you are worth helping. Come with me."  
  
Xenu led them all to a strange padded room. In it there was a chair with some headphones.  
  
"Mr. Bruckheimer, please sit in this chair." Jerry did.  
  
"What are you going to do to Jerry?" Alec asked.  
  
"We're going to test him!" Xenu replied. "We're going to strap him to that chair, place the headphones on him, and play some stories on tape from fanfiction.net."  
  
Jerry gulped. "What kind of stories?"  
  
"NC-17 Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy fics, read by Jar Jar Binks! On maximum volume! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"  
  
"NOOOOOOOO!" Jerry screamed and struggled, but the Scientologists forced him into the chair, and placed the headphones on him, and turned on the tape."  
  
"HARRY AND DRACO HAD SOME GAY SEX ONE DAY!! DRACO SAID 'HARRY, YOUSA LOOKIN' HOT TODAY!'"  
  
Jerry already looked near death.  
  
"HARRY SAID, 'ISA GONNA TAKE OFF MY PANTS, WILL YOUSA SUCK MEESA-"  
  
"STOOOOOOOOOOOOP!" Spokes ran into the room, bit one Scientologist's leg, causing him to scream in pain, and accidently hit the off switch. Alec ran into the room and freed Jerry from the machine. He could barely stand up.  
  
"I…don't…ever…want…to…read…Harry…Potter…or…watch…Star…Wars…  
  
ever…again…" And he fell over, unconscious.  
  
"I guess we failed, huh?" Alec asked.  
  
"On the contrary, you passed with flying colors," Xenu responded. "Only those not worth helping would ever let one of their comrades be tortured so horribly."  
  
"Awesome!" Josh said. "So, are you going to help us?"  
  
"Certainly! I will tell you this key bit of info: People on the surface are still alive."  
  
Jerry woke up long enough to give a look of seroius disappointment before falling unconscious again.  
  
"That's it?" Alec asked. "That doesn't help us at all!"  
  
"Well, if you want me to help you for real, then you'll have to do something for me."  
  
Jerry woke up again, interested. "What do you want us to do?"  
  
"I want you to kill the president of TIME magazine. Oh, and blow up the main office while you're at it."  
  
Many confused looks filled the underwater city.  
  
"Is it really that surprising? I mean, TIME has said some horrible things about Scientology. Personally, I think they're just a bunch of druggys. Them and those damn psychiatrists."  
  
"TIME magazine doesn't exist anymore!" Alec shouted. "In fact, no major corporations exist anymore! This is the apocalypse! The last few survivors are gathered…well…somewhere! And we need to know where!"  
  
"You fools! Are you that thick-headed? OBVIOUSLY I wanted you guys to go back in time to do it! Without TIME, no one will think Scientology is evil, and everyone will join, and I shall rule the world!"  
  
Josh, Alec, Jerry and Spokes exchanged glances.  
  
"Um, this doesn't seem like much of a deal," Jerry, who had now stood up, pointed out. "I mean, we'd be essentially just trading rulers. And a Flash Gordon reject isn't much of an improvement over a soccer ball."  
  
"Is it?" Xenu asked. "I mean, I may rule harshly, but at least I won't try to ressurect Bebagabotsisticationalismazexq."  
  
The four gasped in horror.  
  
"Begabowawa…oh screw it, Bebop! He is now Bebop!" Spokes returned to his horrified look. "Ben's going to ressurect Bebop?"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"But why? Couldn't he just stick his testicles in a toaster?"  
  
"Ben Affleck doesn't have testicles, you dumb dog," Josh corrected. "He's a soccer ball. And anyway, he obviously wants to ressurect him so he can control him and have a slave with almost as much magical power as he does."  
  
"Then we'd never be able to stop him!" Jerry gasped. "Oh, we have to do this! We have to make Xenu the new ruler of the world!"  
  
"Fantastic!" Xenu clapped his hands and pointed down a corridor. "Follow me!"  
  
*****  
  
No one ever expected the time machine to look like an oversized piece of celery.  
  
"He's right, you know," Alec added. "Are you sure this is a time machine?"  
  
"Get into it!" Xenu commanded. Not fully understanding what he meant, Josh, Jerry, Alec, and Spokes lifted the piece of celery up and climbed under it.  
  
"Do you really think this is such a good idea?" Josh asked.  
  
"Josh," Jerry responded. "I think we can trust the galactic emperor Xenu."  
  
"Set the timepod for 1995!" Xenu commanded.  
  
"Timepod set for 1995," A Scientologist replied, pushing a bunch of buttons.  
  
"Wait, is this gonna hurt?" Jerry asked. Actually, before he finished speaking, he suddenly was pulled into a vortex. He had expected to see a bunch of really cool looking colors and stuff, but instead he just saw a white background, and what appeared to be a small, one legged gnome sitting in a chair, with a birthday hat on, and a page-a-day calendar in his hands that said "2002."  
  
"Hey, guess what, sonny?" The gnome asked.  
  
"What?"  
  
"You're supposed to guess, dumbfuck!"  
  
"Uh, onions?"  
  
"No, sonny, it's now…2001!" Lo and behold, the gnome pulled off the piece of paper to reveal another piece of paper that said "2001."  
  
"Hey, guess what, sonny?" The gnome asked.  
  
"It's 2000?"  
  
"Right-o!" The gnome pulled off another piece of paper. And so on, until 1996…  
  
"Hey, guess what, sonny?"  
  
"It's 1995?"  
  
"Nope. It's YOUR MOM!" The gnome pulled off a piece of paper to reveal a very unpleasant picture involving Jerry's Mom and a horse.  
  
"Oh, you piece of crap, I'm gonna kill you." Jerry ran up to the gnome, knocked him off the chair, and began to beat it to a pulp.  
  
"Ow! OOOOOGH! Not the—OOOOOOUUUUCH! OKAY, IT'S 1995! JESUS, MARY MOTHER OF GOD!" Jerry got off the gnome, who proceeded to pull off many pieces of paper, all involving Jerry's Mom and an animal, except for one which had Jar Jar Binks…at last, 1995.  
  
Jerry woke up on the sidewalk next to Josh and Spokes. Alec was already up, muttering "Damn gnome…making fun of my Mom like that…" 


	4. A Time to Kill (President of Corporation...

CHAPTER 4: A TIME TO KILL (PRESIDENT OF CORPORATION, THAT IS…)  
  
"So what's up with this patient?" Dr. Railly asked.  
  
"Well, we found him beating the crap out of a homeless guy and his pet, which appeared to be something of a cross between a giraffe and a zit. He claims he's from the year 2002."  
  
"All right, I'll go see him."  
  
Dr. Railly went through many security doors and a room that consisted entirely of molasses to meet with this bizarre time traveler. At last she got to the time traveler, who had apparently been drugged beyond belief, or else he wouldn't be drooling all over the floor.  
  
"What's your name?" Dr. Railly asked.  
  
"J-Josh Harnett…" The time traveler, who looked an awful lot like the head of an alien, responded.  
  
"And what year do you say you come from?"  
  
"The year 2002!" He shouted, rolling up to her feet. "I have come from the future to kill the President of TIME in 1995 before he can say all that bad stuff about Scientology!"  
  
"But it's 1990," Dr. Railly corrected. "And I'm not really a doctor." She began to take off all her clothes, and her skin. "I'm an alien. And I really want to give you…head!"  
  
Josh, at first pleased with the concept of fornication, became bothered by the lameness of that pun. But not as much as the fact that the attractive female alien had suddenly morphed into Jerry Bruckheimer.  
  
"Wake up, Josh. You were having a dream."  
  
"Ugh…what do you suppose it means if you have a dream that starts off like 12 Monkeys but turns into alien porn?"  
  
"It's probably a by-product of the trauma associated with getting your head cut off," Alec stated, shooting an angry glance at Jerry.  
  
"Hey, it was Spokes' idea to frickin' play Death Basketball, okay! This is all his fault!"  
  
"Look guys, rather than name names, such as Jerry Bruckheimer, let's just go to the official TIME headquarters and get this over with."  
  
*****  
  
"Can I help you gentlemen?" The clerk behind the desk in TIME headquarters asked.  
  
"We'd like to see the President please."  
  
"Join the club."  
  
A long pause. Then, Jerry said, "We have an appointment. May we see him?"  
  
"I'm afraid not. You're not on the list."  
  
"Have you tried looking…here?" Jerry quickly pointed at a random spot on the list in front of the clerk.  
  
"Where? Where?"  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry, I've already pointed."  
  
"Look, get out of here before I call the police!"  
  
"Well, when do you intend on calling the police?"  
  
"In about five or so minutes."  
  
"Good, cause I REALLY need to pee."  
  
As Jerry ran to the restroom…  
  
"Well, it's apparent that didn't work," Spokes pointed out. "What next?"  
  
*****  
  
"Pizza for the president!" A pizza delivery boy shouted, right in the clerk's face.  
  
"The president is lactose-intolerant," she replied. "He would never order pizza."  
  
"You've have got to be frickin' kidding me!" Jerry screamed from under the pizza delivery boy suit.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I mean, er…damn! That's the fifth prank phone call I've gotten! I know who keeps doing this…I'm going to go to their house and beat the living spleen out of them!"  
  
"That didn't sound anything like the first thing you said."  
  
"But first I need permission from the President."  
  
"Pardon?"  
  
Jerry pulled a huge, one hundred and fifty page contract out of his pants pocket. "As stated in Part V, Section XIV, Article DLX, a person or persons cannot injure or execute a prank phone caller without the permission of the name or names used in the prank call, if they are real. Does not apply if names aren't real, or if pranksters are of one of the following nationalities…"  
  
Jerry read off whichever countries you wish him to read off, then handed it to the clerk.  
  
"Um, I'll take your word for it. Just go up and get his permission."  
  
"Will do!"  
  
*****  
  
"Have you heard about that Scientology cult?" Asked the president.  
  
"Yeah, it's been around for years!" Replied the colleague on the phone.  
  
"Oh. Well, it sucks, doesn't it?"  
  
"Not really. You sort of have to be human to suck. Or I suppose you could be certain animals, like an anteater, or a yellow-bellied sapsucker, or a vacuum cleaner."  
  
"Mr. President!"  
  
Jerry burst into the room.  
  
"What is the meaning of this?"  
  
"This: pron. pl. 1a. Used to refer to the person or thing present, nearby, or just mentioned. 1b. Used to refer—"  
  
"No, I mean, what are you doing here?"  
  
"Well, Mr. President—"  
  
"Dr. President. I didn't go to medical school to be called Mr. President."  
  
"Okay, well, Dr. President, I'm afraid your time is up."  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
Jerry opened up the pizza box, and Spokes, Josh, and Alec all came out of it.  
  
"Wait a minute, how'd they all fit in a pizza box without making it bulge?"  
  
"As long as we're asking questions like that," Alec began. "Where did you get that one hundred and fifty page contract from, Jerry?"  
  
"Look, the point is, we have to kill you, Dr. President, because you say bad stuff about Scientology, and we need to restore Xenu as ruler of the world in 2002, because otherwise Bebop takes over the world and kills everyone."  
  
"Although most everyone's dead," Spokes added.  
  
Dr. President took a long time to answer. Then, finally, he asked, "Bebop? You mean the pig from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?"  
  
"NO!" Jerry shouted. "Are you stupid? He's the wizard caveman from the Stone Age that built a magical red thong for his wife, which she used to kill him! Duh!"  
  
"Oh. Well," Dr. President began, walking over to his desk. "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to call security on you. You sort of caught me on one of my less suicidal days."  
  
"I see." Jerry walked over to the President. "Well, could you do one more thing for me?"  
  
"As long as you could say it in a G-rated movie."  
  
"Could you ask me what time it is?"  
  
Dr. President paused, somewhat confused. "Er…what time is it?"  
  
"It's dead o'clock!" Jerry shouted, punching Dr. President through a window, causing him to fall 100,000 stories and hit the ground with a loud thud.  
  
"I don't remember the building being that high," Josh said.  
  
"Well, in any case, our job is done," Jerry declared.  
  
"Yeah, but how do we get back to the present?" Alec asked.  
  
Jerry paused for a moment. True, he did not know how they were going to get back to the present.  
  
"Well, we'll just have to find a wormhole of some sort. Or is it a loophole? I dunno, some kind of holy shit!"  
  
Unfortunately, thanks to Dr. President's velocity, he made a huge crater in the ground that caused the building they were in began to fall over towards the ground.  
  
"Not again!" Spokes shouted. "Can't we go into a big building without it collapsing!"  
  
Jerry thought of something particularly witty but extraordinarily offensive, and decided it best not to mention it. Instead, he just said, "Well, last time we miraculously survived, so who's to say we won't miraculously survive this time?"  
  
"This is a 100,000 story building!" Alec shouted. "There's no way we can survive this! This is the end!"  
  
"That is what we said about the last time," Spokes realized. "Yeah, we have nothing to worry about. We'll be fine."  
  
The building continued to fall to the ground at an alarming velocity.  
  
"Uh, guys, this isn't a very convincing cliffhanger," Josh pointed out. "The audience is supposed to think we're all going to die."  
  
"But we're not! They know that. We'll be fine in the next chapter. I assure you."  
  
CRASH‼ 


End file.
